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4 Minutes Read

Are my boundaries too rigid?

Healthy boundaries is a hot topic these days — many people are finally learning the importance of setting limits in the workplace, communicating their needs in relationships, and taking corrective action when their boundaries are not respected.


However, having healthy boundaries isn’t only about strengthening boundaries that are weak. It also means knowing how to recognize when a boundary has become too rigid, and what to do about it. Here are some questions to reflect on if you’ve been wondering if your boundaries have gotten too rigid.

Did you set your boundary impulsively?

When you set a boundary in the heat of an emotional moment, it may be stricter than is truly warranted. For example, say your seven year old nephew breaks something valuable in your apartment by accident, and out of frustration you tell your brother that you’ll no longer be allowing children to visit your home.


If you had taken the time to think through this boundary more calmly, you may have recognized that although the incident with the broken valuable was disappointing, it’s an inevitable, but not necessarily frequent, occurrence with small children around. A more carefully considered boundary might be to set certain rooms as off limits to little ones.

Does your boundary shelter you from accountability?

Generally speaking, boundaries protect us from discomfort, but it’s not fair to use a boundary to hold at arm’s length discomfort that is actually warranted. Imagine as an example that you have ADHD and struggle to get places on time, so you inform your friends that you won’t allow them to complain or criticize you when you show up late.


While the difficulties executive functioning and time management that come along with ADHD are very real challenges, it’s unreasonable to expect others to have no reaction to arriving at an important event an hour late, or for your most Type A friend to never struggle with being patient as you chronically run fifteen minutes behind schedule. 


Requesting that your friends be mindful about your ADHD and compassionate if they ever need to address timeliness issues with you would be a boundary that gives you grace, but also keeps you accountable.

Does your boundary take into account good faith efforts?

People in your life may wish to adhere to your expectations and respect your communicated boundaries. However, in many instances, mistakes are bound to happen at some point. Does your boundary have the capacity to accept a small, occasional error or are you treating it as a zero tolerance policy?


Let’s say you take your spouse’s last name when you get married, with great relief, because you have painful feelings about your last name connected to your family of origin. After knowing you by your family of origin last name for many years, you ask your workplace colleagues to call you by your married name, making it clear that you won’t answer to the previous name any longer.


By all means, correct any colleague who slips up and uses your old name — but recognize that a confrontation is not in order if it’s a one off mistake and not a pattern.

Has your boundary removed important people from your life?

Too many or too firm boundaries will start to distance you from people around you. You only socialize on Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons, no exceptions. You won’t go to Brooklyn. You never answer texts before 3 pm. Talking about work is off limits. Talking about family is double off limits. You’re only open to a heart-to-heart conversation if it wraps up in the next twelve minutes, it’s almost your bedtime and you’re strict about keeping it.


Little by little (or in some cases, very quickly), people will get tired of trying to arrange meet ups with you, feel hurt by what may be perceived as a lack of generosity, and grow distant from you due to knowing less and less about you and what’s going on in your life.


It’s not always a bad thing when your friend circle shrinks — false friends have to go. But if you’re noticing that people you care about or thought would always be a constant are starting to slip away, it’s worth asking yourself why and whether you’re willing to reconsider opening up.

Does your boundary help you let the world in, or shut the world out?

Ultimately, the question to ask yourself about boundaries is whether they are helping you be in the world and relate with other people in a healthy way, or distance yourself from people and from living.


A healthy boundary is like a container, setting limits within which you can explore relationships and experiences confidently, knowing that certain terrain will not be crossed. 


A boundary that is too rigid is more like a wall, preventing you from interacting with others meaningfully and keeping out broad ranges of experiences without distinction.

Creating healthy boundaries

If you’re struggling with loosening up some of your boundaries, therapy can really help you explore why that is and troubleshoot how to move forward. I’d be happy to tell you more in a free phone consultation — click the button below, and we can book a time to speak for as soon as possible.


Click To Book A Free Consultation



Trauma Relationships

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The Comprehensive Guide to Complex Trauma: Understanding, Healing, and Moving Forward

Did you know that complex trauma affects millions worldwide, shaping their thoughts, feelings, and relationships in profound ways? Understanding complex trauma, including the effects of complex PTSD and past trauma, is essential for reclaiming your life and facilitating long-term recovery. This guide offers a thorough exploration of what complex trauma is, how it manifests, and the therapeutic paths that support long-term recovery. Whether you are just starting your healing journey or seeking to deepen your knowledge, this article provides actionable insights and expert perspectives to empower your next steps.What You'll Learn in This GuideClear definition and understanding of complex trauma and its effectsSigns and symptoms to recognize complex trauma in yourself or othersTherapeutic approaches and evidence-based treatments for complex trauma healingHow to select the right healthcare provider for trauma therapyCommon misconceptions and how to overcome themPractical steps to start your healing journey regardless of timingWhat is Complex Trauma? Defining Complex Trauma and Its ImpactUnderstanding Complex Trauma Beyond a Single EventComplex trauma healing begins with understanding what complex trauma truly means and how it differs from past trauma and complex PTSD, highlighting the unique challenges of these complex PTSD and CPTSD conditions. Unlike trauma from a single event, complex trauma refers to repetitive or prolonged experiences of trauma that profoundly shape a person's life over time. Teresa Thompson, LCSW of Salt River Therapy explains, “Complex trauma means either a series of events or patterns or context that you existed in over time. It shapes your worldview, how you think, and how you feel about certain things.” These experiences don’t simply happen and disappear; they influence how individuals perceive safety, relationships, and themselves in the long run.In everyday life, complex trauma and complex PTSD often manifest as persistent anxiety, struggles with trust, or feeling stuck in unhealthy patterns that affect emotional well-being and traumatic memories. People affected often carry the weight of these experiences unconsciously, which can impact their thought processes and emotional responses deeply. 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