It can be really hard to think about ending a romantic relationship, especially if it’s with a person you really care about and is very integrated into your life. However, there’s lots of situations where breaking up is beneficial, or even necessary. If you’ve been considering breaking up with your partner, chances are it’s for one of the reasons below.
Your values and goals don’t align
You want to travel the world, and she’s set on moving back to her hometown. They’ve been preparing for parenthood for years, and you’ve never liked kids. You value quiet time together as a couple on the weekends, and he values using free time for activism and community organizing.
While it’s true that relationships involve compromise, there isn’t always a way to meet in the middle. If honoring your partner’s life goals and values necessitates sacrificing too many of your own (or vice versa), that’s a recipe for an unfulfilling relationship.
Your sexualities or relationship style preferences are not compatible
There are lots of amazing ways to experience sex and relationships, but not all of them line up well with one another.
If that thing you need to feel satisfied in bed makes them wince, chances are you’re going to end up distant and resentful of each other. If she’s been feeling exhilarated since you opened up your relationship, but you’ve been feeling underwhelmed and miserable, that suggests that being together means one of you is going to be experiencing a life way different from their ideal relationship scenario.
Reflect honestly about how you and your partner’s sexualities and relationship desires mesh in practice, and whether navigating through them is something you realistically see for yourself in the long term.
You can’t move past a betrayal
The truth is, even the best relationships are going to contain the occasional hurt or disappointment — sometimes big ones. Maybe he overslept and missed his flight to your graduation; maybe she had an affair with her coworker; maybe something unkind they said to you in the heat of an argument hit an old core wound.
Sometimes if both partners are willing to put in the hard work, it’s possible to get through the relationship rupture and move on. But other times, you might just not be able — or willing — to do so. If you can’t see yourself feeling safe or trusting your partner again moving forward, that does not bode well for your future together.
You’re constantly fighting
It’s normal and healthy to have conflict in a relationship. But, there's a difference between healthy conflict and constant arguing, perpetually jumping from crisis to crisis, or going through a never ending “rough patch”.
If it seems like you and your partner are always unhappy, it’s probably because you’re always unhappy. Relationships can and should be much more satisfying than that.
You love who they were, not who they are
Nostalgia is a powerful drug. It was so cute when you started dating, you have such great memories, you went through tough times together! Those things can all be true and wonderful, but do not automatically translate into continuing feeling that way here and now.
Lives change, and people change, in both expected and unexpected ways. Do you love the person and the relationship in front of you, or do you love what used to be?
You just don’t want to be with them anymore
Your reasons for breaking up don’t actually have to be that deep. It’s OK to just know, on that gut level, that this isn’t what you want anymore.
Figuring out how to move forward
Thinking through where you’re at in your relationship and how you want to move forward can be confusing and complicated. We’re here to help — we’re accepting new clients for both individual and couples therapy and we have immediate availability. Click the button below to schedule a free phone consultation!